THE CANADIAN KINGDOM : THE HOUSE THAT BRITANNIA BUILT...

 

Dear Pre-Canadians,

Chers Franco-Canadiens,

Dear Anglo-Canadians,

Dear Neo-Canadians,

    It is with great pride that I am writing to all the people of Canada, those that are willingly Canadians and those who are not and have never been. It is a great joy for me to announce to all of you that all the difficulties of building a Kingdom in this day and age where republics are all the rage would soon be over. You will see why at the very end of this letter, but be patient, my dear subjects.

1.

    For the moment, let me say something in particular to you, Pre-Canadians, or First Nations, whatever is the way you prefer to be adress. You were the very first to set foot on this vast land, my own personal dominion, my own kingdom, I should say one of my own Kingdoms, since I own so many. It is perched above the United States of America and occupy much of the northern part of North America, except for two republican territories: American Alaska and French Saint-Pierre-et-Miquelon. Thousands of years ago, you came by way of Beringia, or by following the coastline to the south, toward what would eventually be British Colombia, or the coastline to the north, through the land of the long night and the great frost, all the way to Yukon, the Norwest, and Nunavik, up to Northern Quebec and Northern Labrador. Today, you are called Algonquins, Micmacs, Attikamekws, Ojibways, Inuit, Mississaugas, Nipissingues, Outaouais and so many other names, reflective of the diversity of your heritage, kept alive for millenia, along with your respective culture and language.

    You have became Canadians through the vicissitudes of history and not of your own volition, much like the Franco-Canadiens. I know that you don't feel confortable inside this kingdom that, for so long, have tried to ''kill the Indian'' in the heart of your children. I can't blame you, to be honest, and I hope that you may find yourself happier as citizens of a republic, as opposed to subjects of a kingdom, own by a King, sometimes, and sometimes by a Queen, like me, that is to say by a whole Royal Family. We have lord over you for so long, my dear Pre-Canadians subjects, that you certainly yearn to breath free.

2.

    Je me doute bien que c'est la même chose pour vous, chers Franco-Canadiens. Vous avez été transférés d'un royaume à un autre il y a un quart de millénaire, sans que personne ne vous en demande la permission et sans que personne ne vous consulte, tout ayant été décidé lors de négociations faites en Europe, entre des gens nobles et fortunés, à la fin de l'une des innombrables guerres ayant eu lieu entre vos ancêtres et les miens. Une fois sous la 'protection' de notre couronne, nous nous sommes empressés de vous noyer sous une mer d'immigrants venus des îles britanniques, afin de vous réduire à l'état d'une minorité et, lorsque ce fut fait, nous vous avons ensuite confédéré avec d'autres colonies britanniques, afin de vous réduire encore davantage à l'impuissance. Aujourd'hui, par les temps qui courent, avec l'immigration qui se poursuit à vive allure, venue de tous les coins du monde, nous sommes sûrs de pouvoir vous transformer en minorité encore plus minuscule, pesant à peine quelques points de pourcentage de la population de notre beau royaume canadien, une contrée appelée à compter près de cent millions d'habitants d'ici la fin du présent siècle.

    Nous sommes fiers de ce résultat, fruit d'un long travail, et nous nous en félicitons. Cela dit, il va de soi que nous comprenons votre sentiment d'écoeurement profond. La menace constante d'une assimilation culturelle et linguistique n'est jamais agréable et c'est bien normal. Je reconnais qu'il y a des façons d'améliorer votre sort, en autant que nous nous en donnions tous la peine. Après tout, pour vous, mieux vaut être partie intégrante d'une république autonome ou de districts linguistiques autonomes que de n'être guère plus une sous-division administrative d'un royaume britannique comme il y en a tant dans le monde.

3.

    Now, for you, dear Anglo-Canadians, sons and daugthers of the British people, I know how you love me, your queen, your dear monarch. You are my dearest subjects, the most faithful of the faithfuls. I know that many of you share the dream of Pierre-Elliot Trudeau, that is to say to make sure that all Canadians, wherever they came from, whatever their background, whoever they are, are united by commons characteristics, that they all have English as their mother tongue, that they all drink Tim Hortons coffee, that they all love the British Royal Family and, more than anything else, that they all want this KINGDOM OF CANADA to continue in its present form forever and ever and ever.

    I do understand that, and it is normal for you to think that way. But it cannot be, my dear Anglo-Canadian subjects, it is just not possible. We must face realities, we must accept the need to change, we must adapt or face the direst consequences. Remember the French Revolution. Chop, chop.

4.

    As for you, my dears Neo-Canadians, all of you who came to these shores from all around the world, from Zambia and Albania, and from Bolivia and Yemen, we wish you to continue coming to this magnificient kingdom. Ask yourself, does it matter to you, that this is a kingdom or some other form of political organization? Do you mind about that kind of thing? I dare think that, if I, the Queen, don't mind, you probably won't, I'm sure. Am I right?

-------

    All in all, it is time, now, to announce my great decision, for you, people of the Canadian Kingdom. I have decide to abdicate my title of Queen of Canada, and surrender all the powers invested in me, your Queen, in order to facilitate the establishment of a Canadian Republic, something similar to the American Republic, to your south, or to the French Republic, to our south. Maybe one day, the British Royal Family will be a thing of the past, and the presently united Kingdom will become a republic too, or maybe it will be just plain old.England. The English Republic... humm that sound's promising.

    Oh well, who knows how things might turn out?

    I must go now, time for my afternoon tea, and, to be honest, I must also keep an eye on my oldest brat, Charles. Who knows what he may be up to. I'm just glad he's not a Trump admirer.

    You dearest Queen (I mean, for a few more days, till everything is signed up),

    Elisabeth the Second